go do what you do best...puke behind churches
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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