How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
