I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We left the knife in your bed.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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