Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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