Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
