i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
