Where did you get a picture of my penis
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
