booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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