you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
