1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
