How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
