I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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