ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
