3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize