I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
