i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
