also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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