There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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