I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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