I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize