I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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