Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
