He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
try to milk me bitch
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
