Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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