yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize