i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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