Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
