He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize