Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
