Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize