I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
