Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
