is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
