watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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