On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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