I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize