don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
