im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Send help, water and tortillas.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
