I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
