Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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