The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
