my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My brain says no but my pants say off.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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