If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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