I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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