can we get nightvision for the apartment?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
