are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
