I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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