Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize