I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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