don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
