some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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