I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
