my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
