You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
