I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
