I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize