its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
