Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
