Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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