The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
