I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
